The Hēathernet Why should the professionals get to do all the talking?

How to initiate warp speed in your cat

Materials list:

• Plastic grocery bag
• Blanket
• Scissors
• Cat

Instructions:

1. It is best practice to allow the cat to begin the process himself. Otherwise you are doing this to your animal on purpose and you're a malicious, horrible person. Trust me, even when you stumble upon this by accident you will feel absolutely terrible about your discovery.
2. Leave grocery bag on the ground. Again, this is to be done by accident.
3. The cat will sniff and play on top of the bag. It is during this time, if you're cat is appropriate insane, he will insert his head into one of the handles of the grocery bag.
4. Allow the animal to take a couple of steps with his new attachment. At this point you will notice what your cat has done. It is appropriate to sigh at this time and say something such as, "Oh, [Cat's Name], oh no you didn't."
5. Be on your guard. You may begin walking away from the animal at this point believing your cat will be able to solve his problem on his own. You may have also begun initiation of warp speed.
6. If your cat has been cleared for high speed operations he will then notice that a foreign object has become attached to him. He will attempt to run away from the object. It is helpful to have a runway clear in advance for this and the remaining stages.
7. The animal will finish one length of the runway at low preliminary testing speed. At the terminus of the runway he will hunker down, get an odd look in his saucer sized eyes, inflate his tail by approximately three tail inflations, and attempt to move back down the runway in this fashion.
8. Your cat will now appear to be everywhere and nowhere at once. You will hear smashing sounds in both the bedroom and the living room at the same time. The bag will flow behind the animal like a cape rattling profusely while your cat mutters and yowls and goes all out. You have achieved warp speed.

Safely bringing your cat to a stop:

1. Look for an opportunity to interact with the cat in the present time and in this dimension. You should be able to bring the spacecraft to a temporary stop by applying a blanket over the entire device.
2. Now that the cat is stationary you should be able to use your knees to straddle him and hold him still. Some users will take this moment to realize how freaking big their cat is if you can sit on him in this fashion.
3. Carefully expose the bridge section, or head, of the cat. Locate and extract a length of the plastic bag. Remove with scissors.
4. Your cat is now clear to exit the blanket.
5. Liberally apply love and treats.

Author's note: This goes without saying. These are not actually instructions. I do not endorse or condone the conducting of faster than light speed experiments on defenseless animals. Do not do this to your cat.