The truth about free time

It’s been an interesting week off from school. I realized as I wandered into a messy room in our cluttered apartment, immediately giving a loud pathetic sigh upon my entrance, that vacation actually makes me miserable. I’m going to try and spend some time now hashing out why that is.

I certainly count down the days until a break like everyone else. Oh man, the grand plans I had. I was going to write up the first adventure of D&D campaign I’ve been thinking about that I want to force upon my friends, try out with some guys, satisfyingly complete and put on my shelf. I planned on adding some exercise to my diet. Maybe I would find that Dragon Age would be worth booting back up on the 360. Maybe I would write a song for the fledgling Nebulae Apothecary project. Finally, it’s the old standard at this point, find a job. Well, I got some exercise.

The reality is always that I use much of my free time to try and get back together some of the things that have fallen apart while working my two jobs. Laundry, dishes, meal planning: all of these chores get brought back from no effort whatsoever up to a finger lift short of half-assed. Then when I sit down to get some hard work done on playing I don’t really feel like doing much of anything at all. Click, goes the computer mouse. Click. Click. Click. Hours pass. Naps taken. Days wasted.

Up until this point my experience is fairly universal. This is the kind of vacation log that I’ll somberly relay and earn the response, “Hey, sounds great, that’s what vacation is for.” That’s when I have to admit to the sort of strange behaviors.

The endless surfing of  the job board wastelands always ends eventually. Everyday of my vacation, everyday, I load into my car, buy a beverage, crank up the Dan Patrick Show on my iPhone, and drive to random locations within reach. This week I’ve been to IKEA, Foxwoods Casino, numerous Target stores, and several other random destinations. Upon arrival I walk as much of the location as possible, spend anywhere between $0 to $10, and return home.

I have no idea why I find this so relaxing but I truly do. On these pointless trips most of the nagging miserableness fades away as I am free to just observe and explore and observe and explore again. The only thing that will stick with me is that sensation of the money it costs me to drive around and do nothing and the lack of the career to pay for it.

The truth about my free time is that I don’t like it. I love to create things but not by myself. It’s just too lonely. Both my webcomics were successful when they were an outlet for not just myself but for my community. I love to design tshirts but I like to be told what to make. Making music is wonderful but not without the band. Inventing games are terrific fun but not without anyone to play them. Better Late Than Never was the best thing I’ve ever made but I needed a close friend to co-host and an army of talent on set.

At this point I swear to you I’m trying really hard to tack and turn this post towards something positive instead of this festering whine-fest it’s becoming. I suppose my conclusion is that an empty apartment with only my own brain to bounce ideas around highlights how any individuals’ creative vision realized is truly a magnificent feat. You read about the incredible drive, the remarkable focus, the relentless perseverance in the face of sure defeat and it makes you shake your head appreciatively and you think you understand.

Then, give yourself a little free time and the slightest whisper of a dream and feel the crushing truth in an empty room. It’s enough to make you want to go out and drive somewhere.